Day 33

1. Retirement bonus

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied:

-From the tip of my penis to my testicles.

It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received.
But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back.

-My God! he suddenly exclaimed. Where are your testicles?
The Captain calmly replied

-Vietnam.

2. Her car was broken

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:

-They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator! she cried.

The dispatcher said:

-Stay calm. An officer is on the way to you.
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
-Abandon mission, he says. She got in the back-seat by mistake.

3. Mississippi

A bus stops in New York and two Jamaican men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
            Emm come first, Den I come.
            Den two asses come togeder.
            I come once more.
            Two asses, they come togeder again.
            I come again and pee twice.
            Then I come one last time.
-You foul mouthed swine, says the lady, in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!
-Hey, cool down lady, said the man. I'm a just tellin' my friend how to spell "Mississippi".

4. The rich African king

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, don't reject the guy outright.
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man:

-I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara.

The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says:

-No problem! I have. I have.

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man:

-I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York and as a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country, in France.

The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says:

-Okay, okay. I build. I build.

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one.
She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly:

-Since I like sex, I want the man I marry with to have a 14-inch member.

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with  his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman: -Okay, okay. I will cut it. I will cut it.

Day 32

1. Do they ever bury two people in the same grave?

In Detroit, a woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandfather. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked:

-Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?

-Of course not, dear. replied the mother.Why would you think that?
-The tombstone back there said "Here lies an honest lawyer and the greatest man Detroit ever had."

2. Karate

A man wanted a watchdog, so he went to the pet store. He asks the clerk:

-Do you have a good watchdog?
The clerk replies:

-You're in luck, I have one left.

She comes back with a chihuahua.
The man, a little ticked off, says:

-What the hell do I need a chihuahua for? That's not a watchdog!
The clerk replies:

-But this is a special watchdog. He knows karate.

The clerk takes the chihuahua and the man out to an alley, where there is some trashy furniture. The clerk
points to a chair and says:

-Karate that chair!

Less than a second later, the chihuahua reduces the chair to sawdust.
The clerk points to a sofa and commands the dog:

-Karate that sofa! Repeat performance.
The man, amazed, buys the dog for $100 and takes it home.
When he gets home, the man shows his wife the chihuahua proclaiming:

-Honey, I got you a watchdog!
The wife yells:

-That isn't a watchdog, for cryin' out loud! You wasted your money!

The man calmly replies:

-This is a special watchdog. He knows karate.
The wife, flustered, shouts:

-Karate?!? Karate my ass!!!

3. Cold water

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a secluded, rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather:

-Are these plates clean?
His grandfather replied

-Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal.
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of this plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks so he asked again:

-Are you sure these plates are clean?
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says:

-I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!
Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let him pass.

-Grandfather, your dog won't let me out.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching grandpa shouted:

-Coldwater, get out of the way!!!

4. Bad atitude

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully  grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the  least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was  constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, he did  anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder  and ruder. Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot  in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly  opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's  extended arm and said:

-I'm sorry that I might have offended you  with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will  endeavor to correct my behavior.
David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot continued:
-May I ask what the chicken did to be left in the freezer?

Day 31

1. Survivors

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, so they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear:
-Would you mind if I would ask you to take the dog for a walk?

2. Blonde wish

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genius.
The genius says:

-Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one.
The brunette says:

-I’ve been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home.
POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says:

-I’ve been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too.
POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.
The genius asks:

-My dear, what’s the matter?
The blonde whimpers:

-I wish my friends were still here.

3. Murder case

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can’t just turn her away, and orders the desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview. To just ‘play along’ and humor her.
Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks:

-What’s 2+2?

-Ummm… 4! the blonde says.

Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one:

-What’s the square root of 100?

-Ummm… 10! the blonde says.
-Good! the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history. OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

-Ummm… I don’t know. she admits.

-Well, you can go home and think about it. he says, And come back later and tell me what you’ve figured out. He figures that’s the last he’ll see of her.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

-Not only did I get the job, the blonde says, but I’ve already been assigned to a murder case!

4. Blonde joke

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender:

-Wanna hear a blonde joke?

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says:

-Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm 6 feet tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6.2 feet tall, weighs 225 lb, and he's a rugby player. The fellow to your right is 6.5 feet tall, pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind guy says:

-Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

Day 30

1. Going to Jamaica

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section.  The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't  have a first class ticket.

The blonde replies:

-I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job and  I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.

The stewardess gets the Head Stewardess who asks the woman to leave  and she again responds:

-I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm  staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.

The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest  of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot.

The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately  gets up, apologizes and goes to her seat in the coach section.

The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move.  The co-pilot replies:

-I told her the first class wasn't going to Jamaica.

2. Redneck and sons

A redneck woman went to the school to register her boys. The office worker asked her:

-How many children do you have?

-Ten. she replied.

-And what are their names? he asked.

-Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, and Bob.
-They're ALL named Bob? he asked. What if you want them to come in from playing outside?
-Oh, that's easy, she explained, I just call "Bob" and they all come running inside.

-And if you want them to come to the table for dinner?
-I just say, "Bob, come eat your dinner" and they do. She answered.

-But what if you want just ONE of them to do something? he asked.

-Oh, that's easy, she said. I just use their last name.

3. Blonde inventions

Here are some blonde inventions (I think are useless). Think about their use before you go to another joke. 

1. The water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book about how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag

4. Ice fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject and, finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed:
-THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.
Startled, the blonde moved farther down the ice, poured a thermos of Cappuccino and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the sky the voice bellowed:
-THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.
The blonde, now worried, moved clear down to the opposite end of the Ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more:
-THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.
She stopped, looked skyward, and asked:
-Is that you, Lord?
The voice replied:
-NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK.

Day 29

1. What time does the bar open?

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.
-It opens at noon. answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.
-What time does the bar open? he asks.
-Same time as before… Noon. replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered:

-What you say the bar opens at?

The clerk then answers:

-It opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, I can have room service send something up to you.
-No… I don’t wanna get in… I wanna get OUT!!!

2. No strawberry

There was this woman who came into a ice cream shop and asked for one pint vanilla, one pint of chocolate, and one pint of strawberry. The man behind the counter said:

-I am sorry ma'am we do not have strawberry.
The woman said:

-I am sorry. I have had a long day at work. I would like one gallon vanilla, one gallon of chocolate, and one gallon of strawberry. The man behind the counter said again:

-I am sorry ma'am, we do not have strawberry.
The woman said:

-I am sorry I have had a long day at work. I would like one scoop of vanilla, one scoop of chocolate, and one scoop of strawberry. So the guy behind the counter said:

-Can you spell the "van" in vanilla?
-V A N
Can you spell the "choc" in chocolate?

-C H O C
.Can you spell the "fuck" in strawberry?
-There is no "fuck" in strawberry.
-That is what I have been trying to tell you, there is no fuckin' strawberry!

3. I embarrassed you

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively:

-Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs:

-No, I won't sleep with you tonight!

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says:

-I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs:

-What do you mean $200?

4. Series of miracles

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says:

-So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.
Flattered, the man replied:

-Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued:

-And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks:

-Aren't you having any?
The woman replies:

-No. I think I'll just wait for the police.

Day 28

1. At  the pearly gates

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

-Have you ever done anything of particular merit? St. Peter asks.
-Well, I can think of one thing. the man offers. Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him: "Leave her alone now or you'll all face me."
St. Peter was impressed.
-When did this happen?
-Just a couple of minutes ago.

2. Taxi driver vs priest

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy:

-Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?

The guy replies:

-I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City.
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver:

-Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out:

-I am Joseph Snow, priest of Saint Mary's monastery for the last forty-three years.
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest:

-Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
-Wait a minute. says the priest. That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?
-Up here, we work by results. says Saint Peter. While you preached, the people in the church slept; while he drove, the people in the car prayed.

3. 4 nuns

4 nuns get killed in a car accident they all go before St. Peter.
-I must ask you a question before you enter the pearly gates. St. Peter said.
The 1st nun comes up, he asks:

-Have you ever touched a penis?

She says:

-Yes with my finger.

St. Peter says:

-Dip your finger in holy water, you may enter.
2nd comes up he asks the same question, she says:

-Yes with my hand.

St. Peter says:

-Dip your hand in holy water and you may enter.
3rd comes up he asks the same question, but before she could answer, 4th nun pushes her out of the way and says:

-St. Peter, I'll have to wash my teeth but can I do it before she dips her ass in the water?

4. Have you found Jesus?

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol. Where upon he asks the drunk:

-Are you ready to find Jesus?
The drunk answers:

-Yes, I am.
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk:

-Brother have you found Jesus?
The drunk says:

-No, I haven't found Jesus.
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again:

-Have you found Jesus my brother?
The drunk again answers:

-No, I haven't found Jesus.
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk:

-For the love of God, have you found Jesus?
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher:

-Are you sure this is where He fell in?

Day 27

1. Cartwheel

A blonde who is wearing a dress is walking home from school. She comes across a boy sitting up in a tree.
The boy says to do a cartwheel and the girl says no. Then the boy says:

-I'll give you a cookie.
So the blonde does a cartwheel. When she gets home, her mom asks where she got the cookie from.
The blonde tells her mother about the boy in the tree and the cartwheel.
The mother twills her daughter not to do that anymore.

-The boy is just trying to see her underwear.
The next day the blonde is wearing a dress again and the boy asks her to do a cartwheel again.
The blonde says no and the boy says:

-I'll give you a cookie. So the blonde does the cartwheel again.
When the blonde gets home, the mom says:

-Did you do a cartwheel again?
The blonde says:

-Yes.
The mom says:

-Honey I told you not to do that, the boy is just trying to see your underwear.
Then the blonde says:

-But mom I tricked him, today I didn't wear any underwear!

 2. Hazards

Three women are about to be executed by the armed soldiers.  One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.  Two guards brings the brunette forward,the soldiers point the guns at her and the executioner asks if she has any last  requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts:

-Ready . . . Onee . . .Twoo....
Suddenly the brunette yells:

-Earthquake!!
Everyone is startled and looks around. So she manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts:

-Ready . . . Onee . . .Twoo....
The redhead then screams:

-Tornado!!
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts:

-Ready . . . Onee . . .Twoo....
The blonde shouts:

-FIRE!!

3. I will jump off

There was a Chinese, Mexican and blonde guy sitting on the top of a 20 story  building that they were fixing and they open their lunch boxes.
The Chinese guy said:

-Orange-chicken again, if I get this one more time I am  going to jump off.
Then the Mexican says:

-Burritos again, if I get this one more time I am going  to jump off"
Hearing that the blonde guy says:

-Ham sandwich again if I get this one more  time I will jump off
So they all got the same thing the next day and they jump off the building. Later at the funeral the Chinese guy's wife says:

-Why didn't he tell me he didn't  want orange-chicken?
Then the Mexican guy's wife says:

-Why didn't he tell me he didn't want burritos?
Then they both look over at the blonde guy's wife and she says:

-Don't look at me like that, he alwaysmade his own lunch!

4. Smart blonde

A blonde walks into a bank in Toronto and asks for the loan department.  She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $10,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan,  so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on  the street in front of the bank, she has the papers and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank manager  and his staff all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $100,000 Rolls as collateral against a $10,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive  the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Three weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $10,000 and the interest,  which comes to $141.66. The bank manager says:

-Miss, we are very happy to have  had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a  multi-millionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $10,000?
The blonde replies:

-Where else in Toronto can I park my car for three weeks for only $141.66 and expect it to be there when I return?