Day 33

1. Retirement bonus

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied:

-From the tip of my penis to my testicles.

It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received.
But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back.

-My God! he suddenly exclaimed. Where are your testicles?
The Captain calmly replied

-Vietnam.

2. Her car was broken

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:

-They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator! she cried.

The dispatcher said:

-Stay calm. An officer is on the way to you.
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
-Abandon mission, he says. She got in the back-seat by mistake.

3. Mississippi

A bus stops in New York and two Jamaican men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
            Emm come first, Den I come.
            Den two asses come togeder.
            I come once more.
            Two asses, they come togeder again.
            I come again and pee twice.
            Then I come one last time.
-You foul mouthed swine, says the lady, in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!
-Hey, cool down lady, said the man. I'm a just tellin' my friend how to spell "Mississippi".

4. The rich African king

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, don't reject the guy outright.
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man:

-I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara.

The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says:

-No problem! I have. I have.

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man:

-I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York and as a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country, in France.

The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says:

-Okay, okay. I build. I build.

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one.
She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly:

-Since I like sex, I want the man I marry with to have a 14-inch member.

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with  his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman: -Okay, okay. I will cut it. I will cut it.

Day 32

1. Do they ever bury two people in the same grave?

In Detroit, a woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandfather. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked:

-Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?

-Of course not, dear. replied the mother.Why would you think that?
-The tombstone back there said "Here lies an honest lawyer and the greatest man Detroit ever had."

2. Karate

A man wanted a watchdog, so he went to the pet store. He asks the clerk:

-Do you have a good watchdog?
The clerk replies:

-You're in luck, I have one left.

She comes back with a chihuahua.
The man, a little ticked off, says:

-What the hell do I need a chihuahua for? That's not a watchdog!
The clerk replies:

-But this is a special watchdog. He knows karate.

The clerk takes the chihuahua and the man out to an alley, where there is some trashy furniture. The clerk
points to a chair and says:

-Karate that chair!

Less than a second later, the chihuahua reduces the chair to sawdust.
The clerk points to a sofa and commands the dog:

-Karate that sofa! Repeat performance.
The man, amazed, buys the dog for $100 and takes it home.
When he gets home, the man shows his wife the chihuahua proclaiming:

-Honey, I got you a watchdog!
The wife yells:

-That isn't a watchdog, for cryin' out loud! You wasted your money!

The man calmly replies:

-This is a special watchdog. He knows karate.
The wife, flustered, shouts:

-Karate?!? Karate my ass!!!

3. Cold water

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a secluded, rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather:

-Are these plates clean?
His grandfather replied

-Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal.
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of this plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks so he asked again:

-Are you sure these plates are clean?
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says:

-I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!
Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let him pass.

-Grandfather, your dog won't let me out.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching grandpa shouted:

-Coldwater, get out of the way!!!

4. Bad atitude

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully  grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the  least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was  constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, he did  anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder  and ruder. Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot  in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly  opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's  extended arm and said:

-I'm sorry that I might have offended you  with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will  endeavor to correct my behavior.
David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot continued:
-May I ask what the chicken did to be left in the freezer?

Day 31

1. Survivors

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, so they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear:
-Would you mind if I would ask you to take the dog for a walk?

2. Blonde wish

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genius.
The genius says:

-Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one.
The brunette says:

-I’ve been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home.
POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says:

-I’ve been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too.
POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.
The genius asks:

-My dear, what’s the matter?
The blonde whimpers:

-I wish my friends were still here.

3. Murder case

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can’t just turn her away, and orders the desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview. To just ‘play along’ and humor her.
Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks:

-What’s 2+2?

-Ummm… 4! the blonde says.

Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one:

-What’s the square root of 100?

-Ummm… 10! the blonde says.
-Good! the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history. OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

-Ummm… I don’t know. she admits.

-Well, you can go home and think about it. he says, And come back later and tell me what you’ve figured out. He figures that’s the last he’ll see of her.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

-Not only did I get the job, the blonde says, but I’ve already been assigned to a murder case!

4. Blonde joke

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender:

-Wanna hear a blonde joke?

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says:

-Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm 6 feet tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6.2 feet tall, weighs 225 lb, and he's a rugby player. The fellow to your right is 6.5 feet tall, pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind guy says:

-Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

Day 30

1. Going to Jamaica

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section.  The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't  have a first class ticket.

The blonde replies:

-I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job and  I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.

The stewardess gets the Head Stewardess who asks the woman to leave  and she again responds:

-I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm  staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.

The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest  of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot.

The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately  gets up, apologizes and goes to her seat in the coach section.

The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move.  The co-pilot replies:

-I told her the first class wasn't going to Jamaica.

2. Redneck and sons

A redneck woman went to the school to register her boys. The office worker asked her:

-How many children do you have?

-Ten. she replied.

-And what are their names? he asked.

-Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, and Bob.
-They're ALL named Bob? he asked. What if you want them to come in from playing outside?
-Oh, that's easy, she explained, I just call "Bob" and they all come running inside.

-And if you want them to come to the table for dinner?
-I just say, "Bob, come eat your dinner" and they do. She answered.

-But what if you want just ONE of them to do something? he asked.

-Oh, that's easy, she said. I just use their last name.

3. Blonde inventions

Here are some blonde inventions (I think are useless). Think about their use before you go to another joke. 

1. The water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book about how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag

4. Ice fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject and, finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed:
-THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.
Startled, the blonde moved farther down the ice, poured a thermos of Cappuccino and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the sky the voice bellowed:
-THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.
The blonde, now worried, moved clear down to the opposite end of the Ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more:
-THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.
She stopped, looked skyward, and asked:
-Is that you, Lord?
The voice replied:
-NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK.

Day 29

1. What time does the bar open?

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.
-It opens at noon. answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.
-What time does the bar open? he asks.
-Same time as before… Noon. replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered:

-What you say the bar opens at?

The clerk then answers:

-It opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, I can have room service send something up to you.
-No… I don’t wanna get in… I wanna get OUT!!!

2. No strawberry

There was this woman who came into a ice cream shop and asked for one pint vanilla, one pint of chocolate, and one pint of strawberry. The man behind the counter said:

-I am sorry ma'am we do not have strawberry.
The woman said:

-I am sorry. I have had a long day at work. I would like one gallon vanilla, one gallon of chocolate, and one gallon of strawberry. The man behind the counter said again:

-I am sorry ma'am, we do not have strawberry.
The woman said:

-I am sorry I have had a long day at work. I would like one scoop of vanilla, one scoop of chocolate, and one scoop of strawberry. So the guy behind the counter said:

-Can you spell the "van" in vanilla?
-V A N
Can you spell the "choc" in chocolate?

-C H O C
.Can you spell the "fuck" in strawberry?
-There is no "fuck" in strawberry.
-That is what I have been trying to tell you, there is no fuckin' strawberry!

3. I embarrassed you

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively:

-Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs:

-No, I won't sleep with you tonight!

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says:

-I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs:

-What do you mean $200?

4. Series of miracles

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says:

-So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.
Flattered, the man replied:

-Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued:

-And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks:

-Aren't you having any?
The woman replies:

-No. I think I'll just wait for the police.

Day 28

1. At  the pearly gates

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

-Have you ever done anything of particular merit? St. Peter asks.
-Well, I can think of one thing. the man offers. Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him: "Leave her alone now or you'll all face me."
St. Peter was impressed.
-When did this happen?
-Just a couple of minutes ago.

2. Taxi driver vs priest

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy:

-Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?

The guy replies:

-I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City.
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver:

-Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out:

-I am Joseph Snow, priest of Saint Mary's monastery for the last forty-three years.
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest:

-Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
-Wait a minute. says the priest. That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?
-Up here, we work by results. says Saint Peter. While you preached, the people in the church slept; while he drove, the people in the car prayed.

3. 4 nuns

4 nuns get killed in a car accident they all go before St. Peter.
-I must ask you a question before you enter the pearly gates. St. Peter said.
The 1st nun comes up, he asks:

-Have you ever touched a penis?

She says:

-Yes with my finger.

St. Peter says:

-Dip your finger in holy water, you may enter.
2nd comes up he asks the same question, she says:

-Yes with my hand.

St. Peter says:

-Dip your hand in holy water and you may enter.
3rd comes up he asks the same question, but before she could answer, 4th nun pushes her out of the way and says:

-St. Peter, I'll have to wash my teeth but can I do it before she dips her ass in the water?

4. Have you found Jesus?

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol. Where upon he asks the drunk:

-Are you ready to find Jesus?
The drunk answers:

-Yes, I am.
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk:

-Brother have you found Jesus?
The drunk says:

-No, I haven't found Jesus.
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again:

-Have you found Jesus my brother?
The drunk again answers:

-No, I haven't found Jesus.
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk:

-For the love of God, have you found Jesus?
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher:

-Are you sure this is where He fell in?

Day 27

1. Cartwheel

A blonde who is wearing a dress is walking home from school. She comes across a boy sitting up in a tree.
The boy says to do a cartwheel and the girl says no. Then the boy says:

-I'll give you a cookie.
So the blonde does a cartwheel. When she gets home, her mom asks where she got the cookie from.
The blonde tells her mother about the boy in the tree and the cartwheel.
The mother twills her daughter not to do that anymore.

-The boy is just trying to see her underwear.
The next day the blonde is wearing a dress again and the boy asks her to do a cartwheel again.
The blonde says no and the boy says:

-I'll give you a cookie. So the blonde does the cartwheel again.
When the blonde gets home, the mom says:

-Did you do a cartwheel again?
The blonde says:

-Yes.
The mom says:

-Honey I told you not to do that, the boy is just trying to see your underwear.
Then the blonde says:

-But mom I tricked him, today I didn't wear any underwear!

 2. Hazards

Three women are about to be executed by the armed soldiers.  One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.  Two guards brings the brunette forward,the soldiers point the guns at her and the executioner asks if she has any last  requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts:

-Ready . . . Onee . . .Twoo....
Suddenly the brunette yells:

-Earthquake!!
Everyone is startled and looks around. So she manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts:

-Ready . . . Onee . . .Twoo....
The redhead then screams:

-Tornado!!
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts:

-Ready . . . Onee . . .Twoo....
The blonde shouts:

-FIRE!!

3. I will jump off

There was a Chinese, Mexican and blonde guy sitting on the top of a 20 story  building that they were fixing and they open their lunch boxes.
The Chinese guy said:

-Orange-chicken again, if I get this one more time I am  going to jump off.
Then the Mexican says:

-Burritos again, if I get this one more time I am going  to jump off"
Hearing that the blonde guy says:

-Ham sandwich again if I get this one more  time I will jump off
So they all got the same thing the next day and they jump off the building. Later at the funeral the Chinese guy's wife says:

-Why didn't he tell me he didn't  want orange-chicken?
Then the Mexican guy's wife says:

-Why didn't he tell me he didn't want burritos?
Then they both look over at the blonde guy's wife and she says:

-Don't look at me like that, he alwaysmade his own lunch!

4. Smart blonde

A blonde walks into a bank in Toronto and asks for the loan department.  She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $10,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan,  so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on  the street in front of the bank, she has the papers and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank manager  and his staff all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $100,000 Rolls as collateral against a $10,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive  the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Three weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $10,000 and the interest,  which comes to $141.66. The bank manager says:

-Miss, we are very happy to have  had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a  multi-millionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $10,000?
The blonde replies:

-Where else in Toronto can I park my car for three weeks for only $141.66 and expect it to be there when I return?

Day 26

1. Cyber Dad

One day a boy asks his father:

-Dad, How was I born?

-Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
"You've Got a Mail!"

2. Had my dad been...

Little Johnny boards his school bus and sits right behind the driver. He starts to sing a weird song:
-Had my dad been a dog, my mom been a bitch; I'd have been a puppy.
Had my dad been a horse, my mom been a mare; I'd have been a colt. 

Had my dad been a tiger, my mom been a tigress; I'd have been a cub. .......... and so on.
The driver who is constantly getting irritated by his dumb song asks him:
-What if your dad had been a gay and your mom had been a lesbian?
Little johnny replies:

-Well, then I would have been a bus-driver.

3. A dollar and two Quarters

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,

-This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks:

-Which do you want, son?

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

-What did I tell you? said the barber. That kid never learns!

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

-Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?

The boy licked his cone and replied:

-Because if I wil take the dollar the barber will stop giving me money for ice-cream!

4. Did Santa bring that to you?

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop said to the kid:
-Nice bike you’ve got there. Did Santa bring that to you?
-Yeah.
-Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike.
The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said:
-By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?
Humoring the kid, the cop said:
-Yeah, he sure did.
The kid said then:
-Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top

Day 25

1.Spit out

An American, an Englishman and a Scotish are at a bar. Each of them orders a beer. As the bartender sets their drinks in front of them, three flies buzz in and each of them land in a beer. The American pushes his drink toward the bartender and says:

-There's a fly in my drink. Pour me another.

The Englishman picks the fly out, shrugs and takes a drink. A sudden noise makes them glance over at the Scotish, who is holding the fly over his drink and pinching it, saying:

-Spit out every brop you drank, ye wee thievin' bastard!

2. Two plus two

While he was reciting his homework, Johnny was heard by his mother:

-Two plus two, the son of a b***h is four. Four plus four, the son of a b***h is eight; Eight plus eight, the son of a b***h is sixteen…
-Johnny ! shouted his mother. Watch your language! You’re not allowed to use the swearwords.

-But, Mom, replied the boy, that's what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it.
Next day Johnny's mother went right into the classroom to complain.

-Oh, heavens ! said the teacher. That's not what I taught them. They're supposed to say, "Two plus two, the sum of which is four."

3. Johnny in math class

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
-Why? asks the father.
-The teacher asked "How much is 2x3?" and I said "6" replies Johnny.
-But that's right!
-Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?"
-What's the f***ing difference? asks the father.
-That's what I said too!

4. Prayers

A father walks by this son's bedroom and stops. He heard him say:

-God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grandma. Ta Ta Grandpa.
The father did not know what the boy meant but he was glad his son was praying.
The next day he found Grandpa dead. That night he went to his sons room and heard his son praying,
-God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta Ta Grandma.
The dad was scared but waited till morning. And sure enough Grandma was dead.
That night he went his sons room again and heard him praying:

-God bless Mommy. Ta Ta Daddy.
The Dad way really scared. He didn't sleep all night. In the morning he went to the doctor to check him.
When he came home he saw his wife. His wife said:
-Thank God you're here, Honey!!! We found the mailman dead on the front porch this morning.

Day 24

1. Gift from God

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd.

-Children are a gift from God, he said.

Silence fell on the congregation.In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said:

-Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.

 

2. The statue

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked:

-May I please use the rest- room?
The bartender replied:

-I really don't think you should.
-Why not? the nun asked.
-Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf.
-Nonsense, said the nun, I'll just look the other way.
So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said:

-Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?
-Well, now they know you're one of us. Would you like a drink?
-But, I still don't understand.
-You see! laughed the bartender. The lights went off and on 10 times while you were in the restroom and the light only goes out when the fig leaf is lifted on the statue. Now, how about that drink?

3. The bravest man on Earth

An Irishman is walking towards the pearly gates and St. Peter stops him  and says:

-Hey, where do you think you're going?
-Why? I'm going to heaven of course.
St. Peter says:

-Well you don't just walk into heaven, you have to earn it by doing something worthy, you must be deserving. Have you done anything worthy?
The Irishman thinks for a while ... and says:

-I'm the bravest man on Earth
-How?
-Because I walked down the streets of London waving an Irish flag.
-Oh! My!!...Really?

St. Peter looks amazed and asks further:

-When did you do this?
The Irishman looks at his watch and says:

-Just 25 minutes ago. 

4. Pray for a bike

Two good friends were talking:

-When I was young I used to pray for a bike

-And did you get it?

-No, but I realized that God doesn't work that way.
-So..

-So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

Day 23

1. Millionaire
Interviewer to Millionaire:
-To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?
Millionaire:
-I owe everything to my wife.
Interviewer:
-Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?
Millionaire:
-Multi-Millionaire.


2. Larry's bar
A man goes to a shrink and says:
-Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?
-Relax. says the Doctor, Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar.


3. Let's pretend we're married

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment,they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk,the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says:

-I'm sorry to bother you at this hour, but I'm awfully cold and I see that you have an extra blanket and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me blanket.
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says:

-I've got a better idea….let's pretend we're married.
-Why not. giggles the woman.
-Right then. he replies. Get your own f***ing blanket.

4. Just like kneeling

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender:
-Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with my woman.
-Oh yeah? said Charlie, And how did this one end?
-When it was over, she came to me on her hands and knees. Just like kneeling.
-Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?
-She said: "Come out from under the bed, you coward."

Day 22

1. A bet with the bartender

This guy was in a bar the guy tells the bartender:

-Bet you $300.00, I can put this beer bottle here on the bar and pee into it from the other side of the room.
The bartender knew that was impossible and was an easy way of making money said alright. so the guy put the beer bottle on the bar and tried instead of making it in the beer bottle he peed all over the bartender and the bar.
The bartender said laughing:

-That's $300.00!

The guy said OK shaked hand with the bartender gave him $300.00 and walked away so glad. The bartender asked him why he was so happy. The guy simply replied:

-Well, you see those guys back there, I bet them $1000.00 that I could pee all over you and your bar and that you would laugh about it!

3. You get too violent

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender:

-Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, one for you and give me one too.
After they drink the bartender gives the man the bill "$67.00"
-I haven't got so much money.
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says:

-Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, one you and give me one too
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $77.00.
-I haven't got so much money.
The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says:

-Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink and give me one too.
In disgust, the bartender says:

-What, no drink for me this time?
-You? No way! You get too violent when you drink.

3. An armless man

An armless man walks into a bar, which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his
wallet in his pocket, since he had no arms.
The bartender obliged.
He then asked if the bartender would trip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked the bartender if he would get a hanky
from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.
The bartender did, and commented that it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said:

-Yes, it is embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?
The bartender quickly replied:

-The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.

4. Genius grants a wish

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter in his hand. On the lighter was writen with large letters "BICK". He asks the man:

-Where did you get such a big lighter?
-See that man playing piano over there? He's a genius and he'll grant you one wish.
So the guy walks over to the genie and says:

-I wish for a million bucks.

All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.
The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says:

-That genie is a little hard of hearing, isn't he? 

-Yeah. You think I asked for a 14 inch BICK?

Day 21

1. 1000 legged bug

A guy wanted an unusual pet, so he goes to the local pet store and ask the owner about a different kind of pet. The guy said:

-I have a 1000 legged bug here and is really cute.

So the guy bought the 1000 leggged bug and took him home in a nice little box.
After a couple of hours he got bored and ask the 1000 legged bug if he would like to go to Franks Pub for a drink. No answer from the bug. Little bit later he ask again. Still no answer. Now the guy is getting angry and shouted louder:

-This is your last chance, do you want to go with me for a drink?
The bug lifts his head of the box and said:

-Will you please be quiet for a while! I heard you the first time but I need some time to put my damn shoes.

2. Bear and rabbit

There was a bear and a rabbit who hated each other and one day, walking through the forest they lived in they found a magical lamp. After a bit of fighting over it the bear took it and rubbed it, hoping for a genie to come out. When the genie came out of his lamp he promised the bear and the rabbit three wishes for each for releasing him from his lamp. The bear immediately said:

-I want all the bears in this forest to be female. The genie granted his wish. The rabbit thought about what to ask for a while and finally said:

-I want a motorbike suit. The suit appeared in front of him and he promptly put it on his body. The bear was confused about the rabbit’s wish but carried on with his second wish.

-I want all the bears from the neighbouring forests to be female. The rabbit then said:

-I want a motorbike.

The bear just couldn’t believe how strange the rabbit’s wishes were and shaking his head wished:

-I want all the bears in the world to be female. and the genie granted his wish.

The rabbit got on his new bike and rode off, and when he was some 50 feet away from the bear he yelled:

-I wish that this bear was gay!!!

3. Would you?

A man took his son to the zoo. They found the monkey cage very entertaining until the father noticed two monkeys in a compromising position which embarrassed him to no end because his son was watching.
He walked up to the keeper and asked if he could stop them. The keeper told him that they are in their natural habitat and could not do anything about it. The father asked the keeper:

-If I throw peanuts at them, do you think they would stop?
The keeper looked at the father in the eye and said:

-Would you?

4. What kind of hens are these?

A man was driving a Ferrari in the country side when he got overpassed by white hen. Very curious, he stops at a nearby farm and asks the farmer:

-I just got overpassed by one of your hens.I've never seen such thing. What kind of hens are these?

-It's a new rase, called The Great White. We grow them for meat.

-So, are they tasty?

-We don't know. We could never catch one to see.

Day 20

1. Nerds not allowed
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying:
-"Nerds Not Allowed-Enter At Your Own Risk!"
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.
-You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?
-I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling.
-Okay, truck drivers are not nerds. he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.
The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.
-Why did you do that?
-Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license.
The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen!
He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
-What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season. says the truck driver.
-Well, sure, says the patrolman. But you are not allowed to bait 'em!

2. Photographer
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour
before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted:
-Let's go!
The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air,
though flying erratically.
-Fly over the north side of the fire, said the photographer, and make several low-level passes.
-Why? asked the nervous pilot.
-Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures.
The pilot replied:
-You mean you're not the flight instructor?


3. Exactly 3 o'clock
A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully:
-Sir, can you tell me the time?
The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said:
-It is a quarter to three, young man.
-Thanks. said the boy. At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass.
With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him.
He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him.
-Why are you running like this at your age? asked the friend.
Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said:

-That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!
-So what's your hurry, said the friend. You still have ten minutes.

4. Many people will die because of you
About 1895, in Germany a man visited a witch. He asked her how his future will be.
-Ahhh! I see! she said looking in her crystal globe. Many people will die because of you, millions of people!
Really disturbed by the answer of the witch, he left her house and headed to his house at the town's suburb. Then he saw a six years old kid chassed by a big mad dog. He ran at it scared the dog throwing some rocks at it and saved the kid. Very happy about what he did he asked proudly:
-Wath's your name, little fellow?
-Adolf Hitler!

Day 19

1. The end of a cave

Three men went to a contest. If one of them was able to go to the end of a cave, he would win a prize. The first one went till the middle of the cave and heard:
-When I find you, I take your skin off, I cut you and then I eat you.
He got sacred and ran back. The second heard the same thing and ran back.
When the third man entered the cave he heard the same thing, but he decided to continue the "journey". When he arrived at the end of the cave he noticed a a mankey seeking a banana and saying:
-When I find you, I take your skin off, I cut you and then I eat you.

2. A parrot on a plane

After taking his seat on a plane, a mild mannered young man was startled to see a parrot strapped in next to him. Choosing to ignore the bird, he asked the flight attendant for a cup of coffee.
-And get me a damned whiskey, now! the parrot ordered rudely.
A few moments later the attendant returned with the whiskey, but no coffee.
"Hey, stupid, the parrot cried out after draining his glass, another whiskey!
Again, the attendant hurried to bring the parrot his drink but forgot  the coffee.
Upset at being ignored, the man decided to try the parrots approach.
-Hey, you! he yelled at the attendant. Coffee now or you'll never  work for this bloody airline again!
A moment later, a burley co-pilot came over, grabbed the man and the parrot and tossed them out of the plane door. As they plunged downward, the parrot turned to the man  and said:
-You know what, for somebody that can't fly, you're a quite cheeky man!.

3. The dancing duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching  a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its  owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and  the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger:

-Your duck  is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!
-Oh! Sorry it's my fault. I didn't tell you that you have to light the candle under the pot.

4. Just one thing

Bud and Jim were a cuple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Philadelphia. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing
to do. Bud said:

-Man, I wish we had something to drink!
-Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. he says:

-Hey, how do you feel this morning?

-I feel great. How about you?

-I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?

-No, that jet fuel is great stuff: no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.
-Yeah, well there's just one thing. said Jim
-What's that?
-Have you farted yet?
-No.
-Well, DON'T, 'cause I did and now I'm in Denver.

Day 18

1. Stay out of this

A young ventriloquist touring the clubs is doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, the goes through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 2nd row stands on her chair and shouts:

-I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general. And you do it all in the name of humor.
Quite taken aback, the embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize.
But the blonde yells again:

-You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!

2. The only survivor

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are stranded on a deserted island 20 miles from shore. They decide to try to swim to shore.
The brunette swims 7 miles, gets tired, and drowns.
The redhead swims 10 miles, gets tired, and drowns.
Only blonde gets out of the swim alive.
She swims 19 miles, gets tired, and swims back.

3. Poor Baxter

A man was supposed to meet his girlfriend's family.  Unfortunately, he is so nervous he has an eating problem. So, halfway through desert he tries very hard to hold his fart.  At the end, he escaped out a little small fart. The sister of  the man's girlfriend shouted "Baxter!" to the family dog which was under the guy's chair. Being thankful that the dog was blamed for the gas, he lets  out an even bigger fart.
-Baxter! shouted the sister again.
  He decided to fart more so he lets out the biggest fart ever.  The sister finally said:

-Baxter, come here before he shits on you!

4. Playing golf

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The  first one teed off and watched in horror as her ball  headed directly toward a group of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his  hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to  roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.  She then explained that she was a phisical therapist:
-Please let me help you. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!
-I'll be all right.... I'll be fine in a few minutes. he replied breathlessly as he remained in a fetal position  still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took  his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put  her hands inside, beginning to massage him.
-How does that feel now?
-It feels great. But my finger still hurts like hell!.

Day 17

1. I pushed it back in

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father see's it and says:

-Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?

-But, dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!

-Johnny....you don't do those kind of things to women.

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. His father said:

-Johnny, I thought we had a talk!

-But, dad, it wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Then I knew she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!

2. Johnny on philosophy class

The professor asks his class:

-If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left? Yes, Johnny.
-None, they will all fly away scared by the first gun shot.
-The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.
-Sir, Can I ask you something?

-Sure!

-There are three women sitting on a bench enjoying ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?
-Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.

-The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like your thinking.

3. Why is a dog better than a wife?

A. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
B.  Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
C.  Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
D.  A dog’s parents never visit.
E.  Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
F.  You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
G.  Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
H.  Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
I.  A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”
J.  If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
K.  A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
L.  If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
M.  Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And finnaly, but not last:
N.  If a dog leaves you, it won't take half of your stuff.

4. A busy weekend

A young high school couple, Johnny and Suzie had been  dating for 2 years, but Suzie had very conservative parents, so she never told them about Johnny.
One day she announced:

-Johnny, Friday is my 18th birthday. I want you to come over and meet my parents. And then Saturday,  they will be going away for all the weekend and this being my 18th birthday, I want us to finally 'do it'.
Johnny was ecstatic, and the day of the dinner, he went out  and bought flowers for Suzie and chocolate for her mom. He then  stopped by the pharmacy to buy some condoms.
The pharmacist asked him:

-Do you want the 2 pack, 3 pack  or 12 pack.

-You know, I think it's  going to be a busy weekend, so I'll take the 12 pack.
Johnny headed over to Suzie's house, gave her the  flowers and her mom the chocolate. Suzie's father also joined them on dinner. Johnny asked if he could pray a few moments before the meal,  and he sat there quietly for 10 minutes almost in a meditative state.
Suzie turned towards him and whispered: "Johnny, you never  told me you were so religious."
Johnny turned and replied: "Suzie, you never told me  your dad was a pharmacist."

Day 16

1. Don't ever do that again

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went upon the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said

-Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!

The passenger apologized and said:

-I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.

The driver replied:

-Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been a driver of a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years.

2. Divorced Barbie

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter.
-I wanna buy a Barbie doll for my daughter.
In a condescending manner she responds:

What kind of Barbie? We have ...

• Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95
• Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95
• Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95
• Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95
• Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95
• Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

-Why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?

That's obvious, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture...

 

 

3. Supernatural lecture

A professor at the University of West Virginia was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks:

-How many people here believe in ghosts?
About 90 students raise their hands.
-Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?
About 40 students raise their hands.
-That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?
About 15 students raise their hands.
-Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?
3 students raise their hands.
-That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?
Way in the back, Billy Ray, the farmer, raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says:

-Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks:

-So, Billy Ray, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?
Billy Ray replied:

-Ghossst????....Shiiiiit!...From way back there I thought  you said "Goats!".

4. Deer or bear

Two blondes are walking in the forest.
One looks down and says:

-Look, I found some deer tracks.
The other blonde looks down and says:

-You stupid! Can't you see,  they look hard and strong, these are bear tracks.
-But... they are thin and smooth too, so these are deer tracks.
Half an hour later they were still arguing, when a train hit them.

Day 15

1. No use knockin' pal
A drunken man staggers into a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing. The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies:
-No use knockin' pal, theres no paper in this one either.


2. I've never felt better
A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.
-I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered? stated the counsel for the insurance company.
-Yes, that's right. replied the farmer, nodding his head.
-You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, "I've never felt better in my life." Is that the case?
-Yeah, but...
-A simple yes or not will suffice. counsel interrupted quickly.
-Yes.
Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions.
-Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health. his lawyer said.
-Certainly. After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked  me how I was feeling. Now, what the hell would I have said to him?


3. Greetings, Earthlight
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.
-Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.
The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently:
-Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!
The other alien shouted to his camrade:
-No, you don't want to make him mad! But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 1000 feet into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said:
-What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?
The other alien answered:
-If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis that he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in
his own ear, you don't mess with him.


4. I wanna be beautiful
A bus carrying only ugly people is involved in a crash, and everyone on the bus dies. They go to Heaven. Because of the grief they have suffered, St. Peter decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and St. Peter asks the first one what their wish is. The first person answers:
-I wanna be beautiful.
And so St. Peter snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line sees this and says:
-I wanna be beautiful too.
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while, but when St. Peter is halfway down the line, the last person in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this man is rolling on to the floor, laughing his pants off. Finally, after everyone wanted to be beautiful, St. Peter gets to the end of the line and asks the laughing one what his wish will be. The man eventually catches his breath, and says:
-Make 'em all ugly again!

Day 14

Yesterday I posted a test about some animals. These are the answers:

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? Simple. Open the door, put the giraffe in and close the door!

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? You would say: "Open the door, put the elephant in and close the door." but you would be wrong! The correct answer was: Open the door, take out the giraffe, put the elephant in and close the door! :-P

3. The lion is having a conference with all the animals. Which animal in missing? The elephant, of course, he's locked in the refrigerator, remember?

4. You have to get across a river inhabited with crocodiles.  How do you do that with no raft or boat? Think about third question. The answer: Relaxe and start swiming. All the crocodiles are at the conference.

I hope I amused you with this test. Now let's get to our daily jokes.

1. You look just like my son

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
-Pardon me, she said. I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.
-I'm very sorry, replied the young man. Is there anything I can do for you?
-Yes, as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better.
-Sure!
As the old woman was leaving, he called out:

-Goodbye, Mother!
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
-How can that be? I only purchased a few things!
-Your mother said that you would pay for her. said the clerk.

2. Healed

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The man from the TV called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, and placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his "Jewels".
Grandma looked at him and said:

-I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead!

3. Only one wish

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up, rubbed it and a Genius appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The Genius said:

-Nope, sorry. Three-wishes geniuses are a myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?
The woman didn't hesitate. She said:

-I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other. It will bring about world peace and harmony.
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed:

-Lady, be reasonable! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm, out of shape after being in a bottle for centuries. I'm good but not THAT good! Don't think it can be done. Make another wish  please make it a bit more reasonable.
The woman thought for a minute and said:

-Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful and handsome. That's what I wish for a good man I can marry and make him my pal.
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said:

-Show me the damn map again! I'll see what I can do!

4. The codded message

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive",  Saddam decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own writing to let him  know that he is still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA.
No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA  and the Secret Service, and the list got longer and longer.
Eventually they asked UNO in New York for help.

Koffi took one look at it and replied:
-Tell the President that he is looking at the message upside down!