1. I pushed it back in
Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father see's it and says:
-Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?
-But, dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!
-Johnny....you don't do those kind of things to women.
Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. His father said:
-Johnny, I thought we had a talk!
-But, dad, it wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Then I knew she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!
2. Johnny on philosophy class
The professor asks his class:
-If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left? Yes, Johnny.
-None, they will all fly away scared by the first gun shot.
-The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.
-Sir, Can I ask you something?
-None, they will all fly away scared by the first gun shot.
-The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.
-Sir, Can I ask you something?
-Sure!
-There are three women sitting on a bench enjoying ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?
-Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.
-Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.
-The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like your thinking.
3. Why is a dog better than a wife?
A. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
B. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
C. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
D. A dog’s parents never visit.
E. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
F. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
G. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
H. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
I. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”
J. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
K. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
L. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
M. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And finnaly, but not last:
N. If a dog leaves you, it won't take half of your stuff.
B. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
C. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
D. A dog’s parents never visit.
E. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
F. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
G. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
H. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
I. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”
J. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
K. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
L. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
M. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And finnaly, but not last:
N. If a dog leaves you, it won't take half of your stuff.
4. A busy weekend
A young high school couple, Johnny and Suzie had been dating for 2 years, but Suzie had very conservative parents, so she never told them about Johnny.
One day she announced:
One day she announced:
-Johnny, Friday is my 18th birthday. I want you to come over and meet my parents. And then Saturday, they will be going away for all the weekend and this being my 18th birthday, I want us to finally 'do it'.
Johnny was ecstatic, and the day of the dinner, he went out and bought flowers for Suzie and chocolate for her mom. He then stopped by the pharmacy to buy some condoms.
The pharmacist asked him:
Johnny was ecstatic, and the day of the dinner, he went out and bought flowers for Suzie and chocolate for her mom. He then stopped by the pharmacy to buy some condoms.
The pharmacist asked him:
-Do you want the 2 pack, 3 pack or 12 pack.
-You know, I think it's going to be a busy weekend, so I'll take the 12 pack.
Johnny headed over to Suzie's house, gave her the flowers and her mom the chocolate. Suzie's father also joined them on dinner. Johnny asked if he could pray a few moments before the meal, and he sat there quietly for 10 minutes almost in a meditative state.
Suzie turned towards him and whispered: "Johnny, you never told me you were so religious."
Johnny turned and replied: "Suzie, you never told me your dad was a pharmacist."
Johnny headed over to Suzie's house, gave her the flowers and her mom the chocolate. Suzie's father also joined them on dinner. Johnny asked if he could pray a few moments before the meal, and he sat there quietly for 10 minutes almost in a meditative state.
Suzie turned towards him and whispered: "Johnny, you never told me you were so religious."
Johnny turned and replied: "Suzie, you never told me your dad was a pharmacist."
No comments:
Post a Comment