Day 28

1. At  the pearly gates

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

-Have you ever done anything of particular merit? St. Peter asks.
-Well, I can think of one thing. the man offers. Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him: "Leave her alone now or you'll all face me."
St. Peter was impressed.
-When did this happen?
-Just a couple of minutes ago.

2. Taxi driver vs priest

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy:

-Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?

The guy replies:

-I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City.
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver:

-Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out:

-I am Joseph Snow, priest of Saint Mary's monastery for the last forty-three years.
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest:

-Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
-Wait a minute. says the priest. That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?
-Up here, we work by results. says Saint Peter. While you preached, the people in the church slept; while he drove, the people in the car prayed.

3. 4 nuns

4 nuns get killed in a car accident they all go before St. Peter.
-I must ask you a question before you enter the pearly gates. St. Peter said.
The 1st nun comes up, he asks:

-Have you ever touched a penis?

She says:

-Yes with my finger.

St. Peter says:

-Dip your finger in holy water, you may enter.
2nd comes up he asks the same question, she says:

-Yes with my hand.

St. Peter says:

-Dip your hand in holy water and you may enter.
3rd comes up he asks the same question, but before she could answer, 4th nun pushes her out of the way and says:

-St. Peter, I'll have to wash my teeth but can I do it before she dips her ass in the water?

4. Have you found Jesus?

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol. Where upon he asks the drunk:

-Are you ready to find Jesus?
The drunk answers:

-Yes, I am.
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk:

-Brother have you found Jesus?
The drunk says:

-No, I haven't found Jesus.
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again:

-Have you found Jesus my brother?
The drunk again answers:

-No, I haven't found Jesus.
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk:

-For the love of God, have you found Jesus?
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher:

-Are you sure this is where He fell in?