A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without saying a word and examined it and the car.
-It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go.
The guy thinks about it for a second and says:
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without saying a word and examined it and the car.
-It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go.
The guy thinks about it for a second and says:
-Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!
-Have a nice weekend! said the officer.
-Have a nice weekend! said the officer.
2. A smart cat
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of it one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife:
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife:
-Jen, is the cat there?
-Yes, the wife answers. Why do you ask?
Frustrated, the man answered:
-Yes, the wife answers. Why do you ask?
Frustrated, the man answered:
-Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm lost and need directions.
3. Old vs young
A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.
Old cock to young cock:
Old cock to young cock:
-Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.
-What do you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should retire.
-Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?
-No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
-In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win, you shall allow me to have one hen and if I loose you will have all.
-O.K. What kind of competition?
-150 feet run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 30 feet.
-No problem! We will compete tomorrow morning.
Confidently, the following morning, the young cock allows the old cock to start off and when the old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the young cock chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the old cock in a matter of seconds.
Until suddenly, BANG!!!!
Before he could overtake the old cock, the young cock was shot dead by the farmer
-Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?
-No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
-In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win, you shall allow me to have one hen and if I loose you will have all.
-O.K. What kind of competition?
-150 feet run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 30 feet.
-No problem! We will compete tomorrow morning.
Confidently, the following morning, the young cock allows the old cock to start off and when the old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the young cock chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the old cock in a matter of seconds.
Until suddenly, BANG!!!!
Before he could overtake the old cock, the young cock was shot dead by the farmer
-Bloody, bloody hell. This is the fifth GAY cock I've bought this week!!
4. Gorilla remover
A man wakes up one morning and find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pitbull
-What are you going to do? the homeowner asks.
-I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pitbull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.
So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
-What's the shotgun for? asks the homeowner.
-If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shot the dog!
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pitbull
-What are you going to do? the homeowner asks.
-I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pitbull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.
So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
-What's the shotgun for? asks the homeowner.
-If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shot the dog!
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