Day 15

1. No use knockin' pal
A drunken man staggers into a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing. The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies:
-No use knockin' pal, theres no paper in this one either.


2. I've never felt better
A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.
-I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered? stated the counsel for the insurance company.
-Yes, that's right. replied the farmer, nodding his head.
-You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, "I've never felt better in my life." Is that the case?
-Yeah, but...
-A simple yes or not will suffice. counsel interrupted quickly.
-Yes.
Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions.
-Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health. his lawyer said.
-Certainly. After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked  me how I was feeling. Now, what the hell would I have said to him?


3. Greetings, Earthlight
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.
-Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.
The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently:
-Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!
The other alien shouted to his camrade:
-No, you don't want to make him mad! But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 1000 feet into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said:
-What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?
The other alien answered:
-If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis that he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in
his own ear, you don't mess with him.


4. I wanna be beautiful
A bus carrying only ugly people is involved in a crash, and everyone on the bus dies. They go to Heaven. Because of the grief they have suffered, St. Peter decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and St. Peter asks the first one what their wish is. The first person answers:
-I wanna be beautiful.
And so St. Peter snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line sees this and says:
-I wanna be beautiful too.
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while, but when St. Peter is halfway down the line, the last person in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this man is rolling on to the floor, laughing his pants off. Finally, after everyone wanted to be beautiful, St. Peter gets to the end of the line and asks the laughing one what his wish will be. The man eventually catches his breath, and says:
-Make 'em all ugly again!