Day 29

1. What time does the bar open?

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.
-It opens at noon. answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.
-What time does the bar open? he asks.
-Same time as before… Noon. replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered:

-What you say the bar opens at?

The clerk then answers:

-It opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, I can have room service send something up to you.
-No… I don’t wanna get in… I wanna get OUT!!!

2. No strawberry

There was this woman who came into a ice cream shop and asked for one pint vanilla, one pint of chocolate, and one pint of strawberry. The man behind the counter said:

-I am sorry ma'am we do not have strawberry.
The woman said:

-I am sorry. I have had a long day at work. I would like one gallon vanilla, one gallon of chocolate, and one gallon of strawberry. The man behind the counter said again:

-I am sorry ma'am, we do not have strawberry.
The woman said:

-I am sorry I have had a long day at work. I would like one scoop of vanilla, one scoop of chocolate, and one scoop of strawberry. So the guy behind the counter said:

-Can you spell the "van" in vanilla?
-V A N
Can you spell the "choc" in chocolate?

-C H O C
.Can you spell the "fuck" in strawberry?
-There is no "fuck" in strawberry.
-That is what I have been trying to tell you, there is no fuckin' strawberry!

3. I embarrassed you

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively:

-Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs:

-No, I won't sleep with you tonight!

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says:

-I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs:

-What do you mean $200?

4. Series of miracles

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says:

-So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.
Flattered, the man replied:

-Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued:

-And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks:

-Aren't you having any?
The woman replies:

-No. I think I'll just wait for the police.